pearl spring voss

“I’ve been meditating a lot. And it’s kind of allowed me to have this direct channel for messages and my intuition.”

I’M A LOT CLEARER WITH WHERE I AM.

I don’t really drink anymore and I haven’t been smoking which is another conversation. I’ve really been wanting to get quite clean and clear about all these messages coming through.

It’s funny - I say that everyone has their own direct path because when you have these conversations with people, you realize that everyone’s kind of getting different messages. And everyone’s dealing with these different life experiences.

And this consciousness is so vast and so great. There’s so much happening in every little moment.

I struggle with confidence.

And the more I realize how intense I am and how much energy I have, I’m learning to be okay with that and embrace that and be big and bold and maybe triggering to other people.

. . . Because I know I’m so triggering to other people.

I can feel their energy and how they’ll switch to maybe wanting to leave a conversation or for example, people ghosting me in dating. I’m a mirror and I have quite a big energy.

I still get anxious at parties.

and Instagram is a big example where a lot of people will use it to show off how many friends they have or when they’re with some cool person. And I can still tend to be charmed by that whole cool, egoic thing. Which leaves me feeling so empty.

But I still have these moments of going, “I want to be cool and I want to be seen in this edgy, cool way.”

I know that I’m fucking cool in my own way.

But the whole Instagram thing - that thing kills me and that’s what makes me go and get blindsided from these actually deep connections that I am having. Because they’re so different from the general society’s way of operating.

So not having a conventional friend and friendship not looking conventional - that’s something i want to lean into more.

I really just have to honor my own path.

And find people who have a similar path or have a similar energy. Who are successful in embracing that.

Because I think that I would be swallowed up if I was listening to how other people react.

If they don’t like a part of my personality or feel threatened or intimidated, I would go back to deep depression and anxiety. So I’m learning to be like, “No. I’m not going to make myself feel small and I’m not going to be what that person wants me to be just so they feel comfortable. I have this one life and that is not my destiny.”

MY DESTINY IS TO BE THIS KIND OF FORCE.

I’M HAVING TO OWN THAT AND IT’S SCARY.

And I’m in that right now.

With me talking about the disconnect I’ve had in relationships in my life - I just don’t think people talk about it enough in their day to day life. Like if they’re not happy in their relationship dynamics. It’s important to recognize it and go, “No, that’s not a relationship that I want. It’s not serving me.”

I think a lot of people get stuck in the same routine with the same friends and don’t see that someone isn’t supporting them as much as someone else can.

I think within victimhood there’s an array of feelings —

There’s almost like 5 stages of finding yourself again.

It’s disempowering, and it’s confusing, and it’s feeling weak. It’s feeling needy. It’s desperate. And boy, when I’ve been in victimhood have I been needy and desperate. Like just wanting that person to love me so badly. And only seeing them as my savior. As the person that knows me best. Which is so fucking ludicrous. Like what planet am I on? But that’s trauma. That’s victimhood. You don’t see anything other than this trauma-bonding dynamic.

There’s so many different feelings that come with being in that state of victimhood. And it’s quite the challenge to get out of it because I think it’s been a system set in place not just in my lifetime, but for generations. I think sometimes its in our bones.

And you have to re-learn and correct it. And not have shame but know when you need to get out of it.

What’s really funny is that ever since I’ve had these bigger realizations about who I am, the lonelier I’ve felt. And I think it’s a weird thing because I’m having a hard time articulating these internal experiences I’m having. And it’s so big that I kind of go - I need to do this alone. No one can relate. And I go into this kind of isolating place. Mentally isolating myself from everyone. And I think it’s a few things.

**I think it’s being afraid to truly be seen.**

So I shut myself out from other people.

Especially since these new realizations are so big and they’re like - WOW. This is me growing into who I am. If I show up as this person now and close friends or people don’t accept it and won’t relate to it, that’s really scary.

It’s like I’m taking a risk to be myself. People might not understand me.

I’m having a lot of shadow come up - thinking things like “this person’s a dick, this person’s arrogant, up themselves, selfish….” All these things that are just big shadow stuff.

So there’s this pushing and pulling of thinking I should just be in my apartment and go through it alone.

But that has been making me feel quite awful. And it feels like I’ve been hiding. But I do need to go through parts of it alone. I’m trying to find the balance between how much I open up to friends and people around me and how much I work on alone.

***What do I say to people and what don’t I say?***

It’s a weird loneliness.

Is it me dictating and controlling? I don’t know.

It just feels really big with a lot of strong feelings coming. And I worry that sometimes it’s a bit too much to people or I’m going through it too often. So I just hide it. And that kind of goes into depression and the whole mental health thing -

how much do I talk about?

Pearl Spring Voss is an actor, poet and painter

photography by Rosa Spring Voss

interview and direction by Lauren Pierce-bautista

2021. Bundjalung Country, Australia

PEARL spring voss

ROSA spring voss

Lauren pierce-bautista

PEARL SPRING VOSS

pearl spring voss

“I’ve been meditating a lot. And it’s kind of allowed me to have this direct channel for messages and my intuition.”

I’M A LOT CLEARER WITH WHERE I AM.

I don’t really drink anymore and I haven’t been smoking which is another conversation. I’ve really been wanting to get quite clean and clear about all these messages coming through.

It’s funny - I say that everyone has their own direct path because when you have these conversations with people, you realize that everyone’s kind of getting different messages. And everyone’s dealing with these different life experiences.

And this consciousness is so vast and so great. There’s so much happening in every little moment.

I struggle with confidence.

And the more I realize how intense I am and how much energy I have, I’m learning to be okay with that and embrace that and be big and bold and maybe triggering to other people.

. . . Because I know I’m so triggering to other people.

I can feel their energy and how they’ll switch to maybe wanting to leave a conversation or for example, people ghosting me in dating. I’m a mirror and I have quite a big energy.

I still get anxious at parties.

and Instagram is a big example where a lot of people will use it to show off how many friends they have or when they’re with some cool person. And I can still tend to be charmed by that whole cool, egoic thing. Which leaves me feeling so empty.

But I still have these moments of going, “I want to be cool and I want to be seen in this edgy, cool way.”

I know that I’m fucking cool in my own way.

But the whole Instagram thing - that thing kills me and that’s what makes me go and get blindsided from these actually deep connections that I am having. Because they’re so different from the general society’s way of operating.

So not having a conventional friend and friendship not looking conventional - that’s something i want to lean into more.

I really just have to honor my own path.

And find people who have a similar path or have a similar energy. Who are successful in embracing that.

Because I think that I would be swallowed up if I was listening to how other people react.

MY DESTINY IS TO BE THIS KIND OF FORCE.

I’M HAVING TO OWN THAT AND IT’S SCARY.

And I’m in that right now.

I think a lot of people get stuck in the same routine with the same friends and don’t see that someone isn’t supporting them as much as someone else can.

I think within victimhood there’s an array of feelings —

There’s almost like 5 stages of finding yourself again.

There’s so many different feelings that come with being in that state of victimhood. And it’s quite the challenge to get out of it because I think it’s been a system set in place not just in my lifetime, but for generations. I think sometimes its in our bones.

And you have to re-learn and correct it. And not have shame but know when you need to get out of it.

So I shut myself out from other people.

Especially since these new realizations are so big and they’re like - WOW. This is me growing into who I am. If I show up as this person now and close friends or people don’t accept it and won’t relate to it, that’s really scary.

It’s like I’m taking a risk to be myself. People might not understand me.

I’m having a lot of shadow come up - thinking things like “this person’s a dick, this person’s arrogant, up themselves, selfish….” All these things that are just big shadow stuff.

So there’s this pushing and pulling of thinking I should just be in my apartment and go through it alone.

But that has been making me feel quite awful. And it feels like I’ve been hiding. But I do need to go through parts of it alone. I’m trying to find the balance between how much I open up to friends and people around me and how much I work on alone.

It’s a weird loneliness.

Is it me dictating and controlling? I don’t know.

It just feels really big with a lot of strong feelings coming. And I worry that sometimes it’s a bit too much to people or I’m going through it too often. So I just hide it. And that kind of goes into depression and the whole mental health thing -

how much do I talk about?